The felt sense of 2020
The more I sit in this one spot I’ve created for myself in my one-bed room apartment, the more I fall in love with the moment at hand.
This year that’s been, which I still can’t decide what words to give it, the two statements that resonate the most are “2020, this experience sure was something” and “Thank you body for getting me here, you work miracles each day and I am so happy that you create them for me”.
And with the lesser words I attribute the more feeling I get in there.
I’ve felt this year. Really felt the uncertainty and confusion, the denial, the hopelessness, the grief and heartbreaks. And while being in the more dark part of the emotional spectrum, having my body feel dense and contracted just waiting for the release of a good cry. It just never came.
So I kept returning, to the corner of my apartment. Just sitting, knowing that this place is safe. Safe from anything that would and could hurt me, and while I was protecting myself I realized that my good cry I was longing for was the stuck feeling in my body. I had trapped myself in the idea of how emotions and feelings work.
Because in the midst of the pandemic and people dying, loosing jobs, loosing housing and one catastrophe after another I was doing well.
And by neglecting myself the joy of being well and actually excelling in certain aspects it took away my ability to really feel the tremendous heart break that was running parallelle. I was just acting as if I was sad and worried and sort of doing well and all those things that others seemed to be doing.
So while sitting in the corner, allowing for the emotions to just be. Letting myself be in this moment at hand and not judge it, label it, explain, excuse or persuade it. Just letting the it be the it. In the moment action formed, knowing how this emotion could be my guide instead of allowing it to be the truth I so desperately thought I needed.
So in wrapping up a year that’s been more felt than I have experienced so far I am lovingly embracing the feeling of 2021, knowing that in this moment whatever is, it is okay. And so will it be in the next one as well.